Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to let you know that I’ll never come back. For seven years, I’ve been a nice man to you. I’ve achieved nothing as a result.

These past two weeks have been a nightmare. The final drop was when your manager contacted to let me know that you had resigned your job today.

You got back home last week. You were completely unaware that I had gotten a fresh haircut or prepared your favorite dish. I was even rocking a fresh set of silk boxers.

You ate in two minutes and then immediately went to bed after watching all of your tv dramas.

You no longer express your love for me, and you have no desire for sex or any other bonding activities. I’m leaving whether you’re cheating on me or you just stopped loving me.

Your EX-Husband

PS: Please don’t look for me. I’m moving to West Virginia with YOUR SISTER! Enjoy your life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Reading your note has brightened my day more than anything. Although you and I have been married for seven years, you haven’t exactly been the great man you think you were.

I adore watching tv dramas because they block out all of your constant whining. It’s too bad that it doesn’t always work.

I was aware that you had a haircut last week, but my first thought was, “You look just like a girl!”

I refrained from commenting since my mother taught me to be quiet if you had nothing nice to say. And because I quit eating pork seven years ago, you must have thought I was MY SISTER when you prepared my favorite dinner.

Regarding those brand-new silk boxers: I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just gotten a $50 loan from me that morning as you turned and the $49.99 price tag was still on them.

I still loved you after all of this, and I thought we could make it work. So, after winning $10 million in the lottery, I quit my job and purchased two tickets for us to Jamaica. However, you weren’t there when I arrived home.

I suppose everything happens for a reason. I wish you the happy life you’ve always desired. According to my attorney, the letter you wrote guarantees you won’t receive any money from me. So best of luck.

Your ex-wife, rich as hell, and free!

PS: I’m not sure whether I ever mentioned it to you, but my sister Carla was really born Carl. I hope that won’t be an issue.